What You May Not Understand About Teen Anxiety

Help Your Teen Use Anxiety as a Tool for Growth

Teen anxiety is more common than you might realize. Even if they don't always show it, most teens quietly admit that they feel self-conscious (thanks to those hormones), overwhelmed by stress, and under pressure to succeed or fit in.

It’s natural and even important for teens to feel anxious about how they navigate the world—this is their way of practicing for the big step into adulthood. What concerns me is when teens aren’t reflecting on their actions or when they overemphasize a sense of self-confidence without the critical thinking to back it up. I'd rather them worry about how others perceive them, then to not care at all.

Unfortunately, many parents overlook the importance of anxiety as an experience that needs to be both felt and worked through. We often either emphasize just "getting through it" or focus solely on soothing the feelings. However, a balanced approach—acknowledging the anxiety while guiding them through it—is key to truly building your teen’s competence and self-confidence.

Taking the approach of "just get through it" without validating the feeling can come across as insensitive and dismissive of your teen's emotional reality. Instead, acknowledge anxiety as a natural experience (like those butterflies in our stomach) that offers invaluable life lessons. By discussing your teen's stressors, you can inspire problem-solving and help them develop a more realistic and balanced perspective on how to handle stress.

Soothing your teen's anxiety can be very supportive, but it has its limits. As a parent, it’s natural to feel empathy when your teen is overwhelmed by social situations, school, or trying something new. Feeling anxious is part of being human, but it’s important to remember that we all have the tools and adaptability within us to handle stress—our nervous system is designed to carry us through challenging situations!

If we push our kids outside their comfort zone without support, they may end up feeling defeated. If we rarely challenge them to rise to the occasion, they learn to fear the feeling of anxiety rather than accept it as part of life, then practice coping strategies that'll help them feel better.

But why does it feel so overwhelming when our anxious teen is desperately seeking help or so paralyzed they won't budge?

The amygdala response is automatic, also called the "fight, flight, freeze" response. When we sense danger or feel under distress, it turns on in efforts to help the body respond to the situation.

Though it is frustratingly automated, it can be "turned off" with body-based coping strategies. When the amygdala is soothed, we transition to using the whole brain, and can access the prefrontal cortex with greater clarity and confidence to take the next step.

Here are my Three Ways to Teach Anxiety Reduction to your teen:

1. Understand and describe anxiety as a physical experience that can be changed. Anxiety is often misunderstood, especially by teens who are strongly connected to the emotional part of their brain. For them, anxiety can feel permanent and overwhelming, even though it can be alleviated with the right support. Teens tend to trust their feelings more than the reality around them—something that, let's be honest, even adults do at times. This is part of their development, as their brains are navigating new experiences like dating, work, and identity formation. While emotions are crucial for psychological growth, anxiety can create excessive stress that distorts their ability to practice self-compassion and resilience. By helping teens recognize anxiety as a changeable state of mind and body—and empowering them to take control—they can start to see it as a motivator, a teacher, or just a temporary mood.

2. Encouraging Action to Build Self Confidence Taking action is one of the best ways to quiet anxiety and build a strong sense of self. Whether it’s trying a new sport or tackling a tough task, it’s often the anticipation of discomfort that fuels anxiety. This can trigger a "freeze" response, which may lead to quitting, inertia, or numbing. As parents, we sometimes focus too much on relieving our kids' discomfort and forget to emphasize their potential and ability to overcome challenges. Instead, encourage them to see the positive outcomes that come from proving to themselves what they’re capable of. Rather than negotiating their participation, assume they’ll succeed—sometimes the best approach is to let them dive in and experience the benefits firsthand.

3. Celebrating Success and Growth Teens, like us, can quickly move on from their successes without fully acknowledging them. It’s important to remind your teen of the actions they took that helped them feel better. Asking questions like, “What helped you through that?” or “I noticed you asked the coach for help—did that make a difference?”—you reinforce and celebrate that they worked through challenges by applying intentional problem solving skills. This not only boosts their confidence, it also teaches their body and brain that it's possible to feel stress, then feel calm again. The nervous system becomes less primed to respond to the stressor by categorizing it as "not threatening" in the future.

Yes, there are times when anxiety is influenced by neurobiological factors. Take careful consideration about how you approach anxiety with a teen who is neurodivergent (ADHD, Autism, etc.), has experienced trauma, highly sensitive, or when there is family history of anxiety. Body-based strategies are still a way to go. Keep in mind, your teen will need scaffolding, or to learn with assistance first, then move toward independent coping.

Whether anxiety management is learned by doing or by you modeling it first - stay neutral, if not positive, about your teen's innate capability to self-regulate. As I famously say, don't give up and don't give in. We are meant to be coaches on the sidelines of a teen's life. It's okay to get in the game with them or call a "time out" from time to time. Do so with discretion, knowing that your teen learns best by personal experience.

Therapy is a great way to learn anxiety management. Coming from a non-judgmental outsider, teens are often more receptive to feedback and tips then lectures from parents. Of course, you still have a role to play—but a therapist can give you a clearer sense of the level of intervention to provide. In the same way you'd trust a teacher to tell you what academic support is needed, a therapist's assessment may be vital in turning the page when things get stuck.

Teens are adaptable and quick learners. When they find the customized strategies that work for them, they soar. It's not a one-size fits all approach, and we can apply basic principals that encourage learning, practicing, and overcoming anxiety.